i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
