He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
