I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
