I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
