I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
