i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
