i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
