This is not my ceiling
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
