We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
