Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
