He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
