i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
