I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
