I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Randomize
