she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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