Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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