Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
