if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
a search helicopter?!
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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