I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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