3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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