My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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