Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
