if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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