there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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