i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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