Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
