Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
