stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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