So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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