Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
