God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
