Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
