I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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