I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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