how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
