Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
