My friends, they love my intelligence
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Randomize
