My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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