The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
