when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize