So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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