Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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