I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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