If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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