Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
