No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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