I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
