Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
