the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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