Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
