Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
this will be a night to untag.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
