You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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