I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just blew my weed a kiss
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
