redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I forget how to act sober
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
